The Night Before the First Day of School

It was the last day of my girls' summer break. It was late into the night. Girls have fallen asleep. Laura set her clothes for the first day of middle school neatly on her bed.  She wanted to sleep with Sophie tonight. Sophie put her clothes right beside Laura's, with a puffer fish necklace on top. I believe Laura helped her with all that. 

I didn't want to go to bed. I had to write Lunch Box notes for both of my girls. But before that, I needed to fold the laundry. It's not that I wanted to do that. The laundry had been on sofa for almost a week. It's just that I couldn't go to bed.  I felt I needed to do something. Sophie's going to Kindergarten. Both of my girls are going to school tomorrow. But other than writing them notes, I couldn't think of anything else. My mind was blank.

I folded the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and made sure my alarm clock was set at 6:40am. Haven't been up that early for a long time.

Then I went into Sophie's playroom. The room was quite tidy. Sophie remembered to clean up her room before going to bed. All her dolls are in the doll crib, toy sofa on the shelf, ladybug pillow on the doll highchair. I knelt down and picked up a tiny doll slipper she left on the floor. And I broke into tears.

Clinging to Sophie's favorite tissue box which got many cute and wacky germ faces on it, I was on the floor , crying, for a long time. As if that was all I could do, all I wanted to do, all I needed to do. Then I realized it was. I had tried not to think about it, not to talk about it, try to avoid it the whole summer. My mind was no longer blank. I remembered walking Laura to school with Sophie sleeping in my sling. She was only 2 months old. I remembered her, in bright orange dress, picking up fall leaves outside Laura's school. I remembered taking her to Aspen Coffee in the morning. She would draw pictures while I read. She knew we needed a quarter for the M&M machine right by the door. We always did that before we left. Her favorite place got to be Panera Bread. With a sugar cookie, a bag of books, and a corner sofa, we would cuddle the whole afternoon. I remembered she ran into my arms and gave me this squeezing-tight hug, and say, "Mom, I love you most!"

It didn't take long for them to grow up. But will take forever for me to learn to let go. The girls have filled up the void in every possible way, and how will I ever feel the same again? 

Comments

[yan]

Thanks, Xiaojian! I felt so much better after talking to you that day!
Best,
Yan

[xiaojian]

I know it is sad to think that they would depart from you little by little, day by day. But love always ties you together no matter how far you are apart.

Cheer up! Just think this is a new stage of their growth, and enjoy it. Also, you will feel better when you start to do something else.